My First Panic Attack
...or new tricks my brain can do!
I was originally going to write about kids motivations this week, to tie together my previous two articles on various motivations around kids and screens. After some conversations, I want to be sure I spend a bit more time researching and talking with child professionals. So this week, I’ll share how I experienced my first panic attack instead, which only happened a couple months ago. Don’t worry, it’s absolutely related to kids and games still.
It all started after I’d spent a couple weeks talking about my observations and notes about all this with my daughters school counselor, and a friend who is a clinical social worker. This was the first time I was able to validate my hypotheses with people who are far more educated in child development than myself. Both of them encouraged me to write a book (which was overwhelming and turned into this Substack instead) to share my perspective, as most literature on the subject comes from psychologists and not from people who worked in the tech industry. After these conversations, I was feeling both energized about the subject, but also a bit morose, I was kind of hoping they’d say I’m just paranoid and everything is fine.
I’ve kind of been working on an idea that there is a cycle: annoyance (of the parent), occupation (of the child), and escalation (of the technology). The parent is annoyed, they want to occupy the child, and they’ll escalate to more addictive apps, until they find the one that works. Lucky for me, one evening I got to see this cycle in action.
My partner’s aunt came over to watch the kids, so we had a night off. She went to get dinner with a friend, so I decided to have a pleasant evening to myself writing at the local pub. I took a seat on the outside patio and enjoyed my dinner, jotting down some past experiences in the game industry. Midway through dinner a family of three sat down at a picnic table across from me, their daughter was about 6 years old, close to my kids age. Dressed casually, in band shirts and jeans, they seemed like the kind of people I typically relate to.
Once the family sat down and started chatting, their daughter wanted in on the conversation. This is pretty normal, after all, it is a social environment and people are having a good time talking. In the blink of an eye, the mom retrieved a pink foam encased tablet from her bag, and thrust it into the kids hands. This was met with a whine, but that quickly subsided as the girl started playing whichever app the mom had put on. I was disappointed, and I could feel my heart start to beat a bit harder.
About a minute later, the girl put down the device, and started to entertain herself, waving to strangers passing by, or get out of her seat to stand between the parents and talk with them. I felt a brief moment of relief, seeing that the girl was not interested in the tablet, but instead wanted to be part of the social experience. She wasn’t whining, and didn’t seem to be doing anything too disruptive or annoying, just trying to be present for the conversation.
The mom however was more interested in talking to her partner than the girl, and escalated her efforts to occupy the child. The game did not meet the parents needs for a strong distraction, so she found an activity that was more likely to lock the kid in, while the mom enjoyed a beverage. After some back and forth between mother and daughter, the mom found a different activity (which I couldn’t see) that successfully held the girls attention. Now my heart was pounding, as I watched this child’s facial expression change from smiling to a blank stare at the glowing rectangle in her hands.
Somewhere at about this time, another woman arrived at the table, a friend of theirs, with a small infant strapped to her chest. I could hear them talking about the new baby, lots of laughing and light conversation as the new mom bobbed up and down keeping the baby content, while sipping on some bright pink colored drink. This commotion caught the attention of the girl on the tablet, which she set down again to talk with everyone and see the baby. The mom was visibly annoyed at the daughters renewed interest in something other than the device, and after a bit of arguing with the girl (who was pushing the tablet away), I heard the familiar tunes of Cocomelon. The girl sank down in her seat a bit further, totally disengaged, while a soporific melody dragged her in.
My heart was beating out of my chest, I was sweating, and extremely uncomfortable. I facetiously texted my social worker friend saying I thought I was having a panic attack, explaining what was going on. I had finished my beer and paid. As I stood up, I had an intrusive thought… I should go talk to the parents.
I didn’t want to judge them, but I was curious about their motivation, how frequently their daughter uses the tablet, what kinds of apps they play, videos they stream, etc. I figured this all being under the guise of writing a book about kids and technology, they might be amicable and answer a few questions for my notes. Without my better half to stop me, and being in a totally irrational state of mind, I went ahead with that plan and approached the group.
Initially they were friendly and welcoming, I said that I was writing a book and was curious if I could ask them a couple questions. After a little bit of chit-chat about having kids the same age, the father asked what my book was about. Not wanting to spook my subjects, I just said, “Oh, it’s about kids and technology.” Unfortunately, they immediately saw through my guise, and I’m guessing felt immediately shamed. The face of the man changed from smiling and laughing to a bit sour. Before I could say another word he said, “Look man, we’re just trying to have a good time. Good luck with your book, I’m sure it’s important.” With that, he thrust his hand into mine, shaking it, and then turned his back to me.
As I shuffled off to my car, I received a text back from my friend, letting me know that what I was experiencing was indeed a panic attack. I drove to the local board game shop, sobbing uncontrollably, before getting myself together and hugging it out with the owner (another good friend of mine).
So I got to learn a new human trick, I can have panic attacks! In my 40+ years so far, I’ve never experienced anything like it, but it’s never too late to start.
I feel like this story really does a great job showing the motivations of the different actors. The parent’s motivation was to have a good time visiting with their friend and enjoying a drink. The child’s motivation was to be social, see the new baby, and enjoy being outside in a new place. The app publisher’s motivation was to be present for the parents, when they wanted to occupy their kid. When the app the girl was first put on wasn’t addictive enough, the parent ratcheted up the tablets addictive qualities, until an activity was found which would occupy the kids attention more than the kids desire to socialize could withstand.
Watching it all play out in real time was agonizing. It’s obviously not the first time I’ve seen a kid on a tablet at a restaurant, but it was the first time I got to watch the whole thing play out since talking with some professionals. I’m glad at the very least that this experience was something I could share with others, as well as being a solid anecdote I have in my pocket. Silver linings!