Mismatched Motivations, Part 1: Parents
Understanding your own motivations for giving technology to your kids
In the age of the smartphone, it has become common to see kids with their face in a phone in public places while out with their parents. We have all seen kids on these devices at restaurants, but if you look a little closer you’ll see it just about everywhere, in cars, the grocery store, bookstores, even the library.
Understanding and analyzing my own motivations for giving devices to my kids has been critical for building my own awareness, and determining if the relationship my kids have with technology is a healthy one.
We all like to think that we have the best motivations at all times, especially regarding our kids, but unfortunately when you start to delve into your own behavior, you might find some patterns that you can improve on. My intention here isn’t to judge anyone, but if you do feel judged, you might want to spend some time reflecting on why!
Who Needs What?
Next time you give your kids a device, ask yourself whose needs are being met, the child’s, or your own? You can go much further in this reflection and ask more probing questions, how long do I want them to use the device? If you’re going out to dinner with friends, are you going to have your kid plugged in for 2+ hours? When your kid doesn’t like what they’re doing on the device or gets bored of it, are you going to find a show or game that is even more engaging?
Those aren’t rhetorical, asking, then answering the question forces you to confront your own motivations and set expectations for yourself. You probably aren’t going to tell yourself, “yeah, it’s fine that my kid is plugged into a screen for hours on end,” while you socialize, so come up with a plan and execute it. Having a plan not only helps set expectations for yourself, but also for your kids, if they know when the devices are going to go away, they’ll be better emotionally equipped for when it does happen.
Maybe the kids can watch or play on their device until food arrives, or if they finish before you, they can play at the end of the meal. Maybe this is a noisy restaurant, and they don’t need to play on your phone to keep quiet anyhow. Really, as long as you act intentionally, you’re moving in the right direction.
The importance of mealtime for childhood development is well documented, not just healthy eating habits, but there is a huge amount of social development that goes on for both kids and parents. I regularly bring non-digital forms of entertainment to meals, which allow us to turn that time into a fun and engaging time for everyone, and helps facilitate that development.
This isn’t just a mealtime phenomenon, though I think we’ve all seen the iPad kids at the restaurant enough to know exactly what I’m talking about. Kids have a need for interaction, guidance, and socialization, but if they’re always on devices during these opportunities to develop, they just won’t. When I notice that screen time becomes about my own needs, I try and think about how I can also meet the needs of my kids. Giving kids a screen and plugging them in will definitely work to get me some quiet, but it doesn’t do a lot for them.
Nobody’s Perfect
Look, we are all trying to do the best with what we’ve got, and I’m guilty of everything I’ve talked about here, but I also work hard to be sure that I’m aware of what I’m doing. Understanding my own motivations allows me to adjust my behavior and expectations of my kids. Sometimes I need some quiet, and my need for that in the moment may outweigh my kids needs. Odds are, if you’re reading this, you’re already more engaged and attuned to your child's needs than most, so give yourself a bit of a break.
In my next article I’ll be touching on the motivation of video game publishers, kid video content creators, and how they monetize (which is really their main motivation). So don’t beat yourself up, get ready to beat them up!